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Celebrity Death Match

Written by Sam Fran Scavuzzo

Many noted scholars have sought their high education from the City of Brotherly Love. Additionally, numerous pop culture icons have graced Philly’s college scene and the institutions in and around the city have benefited greatly from them. These, in a nutshell, are the ones we care more about. What is laid before you is a guide to determine which college’s alumni are the toughest, strongest, quickest and fastest—namely, can our alumni beat up your alumni? After studying graduates from Penn, La Salle, Bryn Mawr, Temple, Haverford, Villanova, Penn State (okay, not really in Philly) and Drexel, I’ve attempted to use the best research resources available (eh, Wikipedia) to determine this answer. Who will win this sick slugfest? Let us begin. Penn. Ah, those Quakers have such pride in their university. Grads enjoy that their school has produced a countless number of Nobel and Pulitzer Prize winners—not that they shouldn’t. Methinks, however, that many neglect to see the true cream of the crop hailing from the Keystone State’s most revered institution.  We’re talking sitcom stars, talk show hosts and local politicians. FYI reporter Murphy Brown—or, as the “real” world knows her, Candance Burgen, lived Ben Franklin’s dream, as did Mr. Connie Chung, a.k.a. Maury Povich. Local Eagles Post Game Live! Commentator Ed Rendell attended Penn; I think he’s currently holding some type of government job, pretty high up. Oh, and let’s not forget the former E! and current TV Guide red carpet reporter Melissa Rivers. Despite her total lack of production in the world, Ms. Rivers does hold an Ivy League degree. Bravo. La Salle. 20th and Olney can’t match Penn’s laundry list of trashy celebrities, so they have to class it up a bit.  Do they have an Oscar winning actor?  A Heisman Trophy recipient? Not quite. However, what they do have is nothing to sneeze about. An actor that has graced the big and small screen alike, star of Young Frankenstein and Everybody Loves Raymond, everyone’s favorite laboratory created freak/grumpy grandpa—you guessed it, Peter Boyle! The monster and Frank Barone could destroy Penn’s alumni by either ripping their arms off or nagging them to death. Advantage Explorers. Bryn Mawr. Speaking of classy, this all girls school takes the cake.  With four Oscars and a staggering array of classy pantsuits, Katharine Hepburn probably could kick Boyle’s ass wicked good. Often imitated but never quite duplicated, Hepburn’s ace up her sleeve is her mean golf game, one that kicks ol’ Petey to the curb. Temple. Class does win street brawls, and Temple has the dirt to do it. A conflict will arise and alums Bill Cosby and Bob Saget will lull Hepburn into a state of befuddlement as they lecture her on morals. If Saget launches into one of his legendary dirty jokes, Hepburn would probably implode at the sheer thought of Danny Tanner’s filthy audacity. Score one for the Owls. Haverford. What the hell is Haverford? Only the temporary home of SNL pioneer and National Lampoon’s Vacation star Chevy Chase. While he didn’t graduate from the tiny school, Chase is part of their lore and students still tell tales of his one semester before his expulsion.  Chase’s pranks include fake suicides, cows led up staircases and stolen traffic lights causing jams on Lancaster Avenue. For his originality alone, Chase beats the unlikely biracial tandem of Cosby and Saget. Villanova. Brian Westbrook is awesome.  He can beat Chevy Chase on the ground or in the air.  The Wildcats destroy whatever it is Haverford has decided to nickname themselves. Tartans?  Mixed nuts? Who knows? Additionally, ‘Nova won the national college basketball title in 1985, so they can shoot Haverford down.   PSU. As awesome as Eagle RB/demigod Brian Westbrook is (and he is), nothing compares to what the Nittany Lions possess: a sodomizer, and a person so against sodomy it makes his nose run. Naturally, the duo in question is gay adult film star Matthew Rush and U.S. Senator Rick Santorum (just for prosperity’s sake, I would to note that Rush has not starred in any movies with funny titles, so I can’t joke about them). The idea of such contradicting personalities springing from the same school would be too much for Westbrook to take. The Eagles—and ‘Nova—would have to punt. Advantage Penn State. Drexel. Is that it? Luckily, the answer is no. The Dragons happen to have the ultimate alum. It may not be a cast member of a popular show, a Nobel Prize winner or a comedian. It may not even be a porn star, football player or governor. Regardless, what the Dragons have is the man who created a forum for such legendary acts as Gene Gene the Dancing Machine, the Amazing Dolphin Brothers and the Unknown Comic to break into the industry. Introducing, from Drexel’s class of 1953, creator and host of The Gong Show—Mr. Chuck Barris! Hands down, he’s better than everyone else because no matter how good they may be, Chuck can always bang the gong and they will obey. No one ever dares to challenge the authority of the gong. Congratulations Drexel, your one great alum beats all other notable Philadelphia grads. Apologies to Hall and Oates, Michael Dukakis and Fran Dunphy for exclusion from this list, but Chucky B would beat y’all too.

 

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