College Living Magazine

Don’t trust anyone that claims they love a good political argument.  These people are sick.

If you’re like me, you try to avoid any discussion of political ideology. Capable of creating migraines, ending friendships and starting barfights, college politics is a topic so fraught with bullheaded gall and circular reasoning that it’s sometimes more effective to just pretend that you agree with points you disagree with.

In one ear, you’ve got bleeding hearts telling you that G. Dub is gassing AIDS-stricken African children and skinning Alaskan seals to make his cowboy boots. In the other, red chips are advising you to prostrate before the most wondrous commander-in-chief since freaking FDR. If you often find it hard to locate any sensible middle ground between these two extreme schools of thought, you’re not alone.

The four years most of us spend in college are a bizarre, infantile brand of anti-reality; while it’s fine to be interested in political goings-on, it’s a bit disingenuous to think that trapping someone in an intellectual quarrel in the dining hall is going to help end the war in Iraq.

Still, being a college student automatically puts you in a contentious position: you’re not just encouraged to be politically conscious, you’re expected to be. I’m still waiting for P. Diddy to show up at my house and murder me with a shiv for skipping the ballots that day. I think it’s safe to say that most college students know a healthy amount about politics but don’t make it a point to check the Wall Street Journal every five minutes or catch some C-SPAN during free period. Quite simply, the typical college kid just doesn’t follow politics to a sickening extent.

They might tell you that your civic apathy is disappointing. They’re probably right. But look, we’re just trying to learn some stuff and have a good time here. While collegiate idealism is nominally admirable, let’s be realistic- none of us are Che Guevara. A majority of us are just hardworking kids trying to earn a degree and hopefully get a decent job after we get our diplomas. Most of all, we don’t want to argue with you about politics- we’ve got better stuff to do. This reluctance doesn’t mean that we’re less informed than our more zealous counterparts; it’s just that we’re already late for work, and we really have to go now.

If you’re reasonable enough to understand that George Bush probably isn’t a member of the Illuminati but distrustful enough to understand that he’s not the greatest president of all time (or if you only have a half hour for lunch), this guide’s for you.

10 Tips To Successfully Avoid A Political Argument

1. When faced with a highly opinionated individual, it might be your first reaction to state that you simply don’t follow politics. Please, for the love of Warren G. Harding, don’t say this. It will only open up the floor for a patronizing, critical diatribe about how out of touch you are. I propose just pretending that you didn’t hear what they said.

1. “I respect Michael Moore as a filmmaker, but I don’t necessarily agree with all of his views.” This comment is so vague and meaningless it usually diffuses any type of fight. Bringing up Canadian Bacon sometimes works too.

1. Have a sports fallback. The Eagles chant works every time. Also, be careful not to fall for any of that “sports are a metaphor for politics” crap.

1. You’re somehow cornered by a crusty punk rock kid from Jersey and a straitlaced old money neo-con from the Catskills asking you what candidate you supported last year. You say Wesley Clark. Dude’s a Democrat, but his highly decorated military record makes him sexy to some Repubs as well. Don’t worry about whether or not Clark’s policies leaned exceedingly to the left- no one remembers his platform (including me). Bonus: Bringing up Clark’s hilarious campaign commercial (the one where he talks about OutKast) might break the tension a bit.

      5. Mace.

1. You’ve heard of Voltaire, Marx, John Locke and Anne Coulter, you’re just not really familiar with any of their opinions.

1. Say that you get most of your news from The Daily Show. Liberals will appreciate how hip and in-the-know you are (from this point on, just nod vacantly at everything they say). Republicans might mention something about how liberals don’t take anything seriously and walk away.

1. Combat dogmatic e-stalkers from the get-go: leave the “Political Views” prompt on your Facebook profile blank.

1. If you find yourself caught in the middle of a heated argument between two polarized crazies, interject a comment about a movie that stars a politically neutral actor. Tough to find, but they’re definitely out there: vapid meathead Chris Klein or drunken boobie merchant Tara Reid are good standbys. Avoid anything that features involvement from Janeane Garofalo, Sean Penn or pretty much any celebrity other than the aforementioned dummy duo.

1. Remind people that just because you don’t necessarily support the war, you still support the troops. The key here is “necessarily”; in this game, ambiguity is power.